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Dr. Jonathan Caspi Advises Families on How to get Siblings to Get Along Better

Posted in: College News and Events

Feature image for Jonathan Caspi Featured in NY Times Article on Sibling Relationships

Dr. Jonathan Caspi, Professor in the Family Science and Human Development Department, gave advice on how to get siblings to get along better, especially as families have been spending so much time together during the coronavirus pandemic.

It may sound counterintuitive, but scheduling regular one-on-one time with your children is a good first move.

“When you have one-on-one time there is no competition for your attention. There are no perceived winners and losers in this regard. There is the ability to praise and correct without the audience (and it having any meaning) for the other children. It’s a freer relationship and one in which bonding and closeness can be developed without interference,” said Dr. Caspi.

He added that generally speaking, it’s better to ignore simple bickering but the physical violence and name calling that often precedes it should be policed:

“Since violence escalates incrementally in its severity, it is important that parents stop verbal violence before it becomes physical. Name calling is violence and opens the door for escalation into more severe violence.”

“Do not allow your children to call each other curse words or negative terms like ‘fat,’ ‘stupid,’ ‘icky,’ etc. While physical wounds heal, verbal ones can last a lifetime.”

Additionally, it was once thought that girls used more verbal aggression than boys, Caspi said, but research is suggesting that sisters are just as apt to use physical violence as much as brothers. “The difference may be how severe the physical violence gets. Boys tend to do more damage, particularly when older,” stated Dr. Caspi. “It was also assumed that girls relied more on relational aggression (e.g., strategies to socially humiliate, isolating, injure reputation) than boys. However, there is evidence that brothers use this approach about the same too.”

Parents tend to intervene on behalf of the younger child, which builds more resentment in the older and empowers the younger to challenge the older more frequently, Dr. Caspi said. Avoid phrases like “You’re bigger, be nice!” “Be a good role model,” or “She’s little, let her have the toy.”

“Another reason for bickering is parents who make lots of comparisons. Parents should avoid comparing their children. Children hear the comparisons and it creates more competition and fighting,” he said.

“When children complain about fairness, parents often dismiss it … which only confirms the sense that they are on the outside in the parent-children relationship. Acknowledge the feelings and openly discuss it,” Dr. Caspi said.

And, “Parents should observe how they intervene in sibling conflicts. Are you taking one’s side more than the other’s? If so, change it up,” he said.

Lastly, Dr. Caspi noted that it’s important for parents to cut themselves some slack and take care of their own mental health. Kids can pick up on stress and tension, and this may lead to more fights.